The Elders of Ancient America looked to Nature for guiding principles. When they looked to Nature, the first principle they observed was that in the animal kingdom, the animals gave primacy to their young, the next generation. Mother bears will do just about anything to protect their little cubs.

The Elders created a council of chiefs from each tribe. When they came together as a council, they formed a circle in which they discussed and made important decisions. And at the centre of that circle, they placed a tiny little fire which they called The Children’s Fire.
This little fire was a pledge – a promise to themselves, and their children, their children’s children or their children’s children’s children . . . that no law would be passed and no action would be taken that would harm the children.

May we have conversations that build a better world for our children, and our children’s children.

Asking questions can seem like a really good way to show interest and care . . .until it doesn’t.
 
Curious open ended questions can open up conversations. For example, ‘What’s going on for you today?’ opens up a conversation more than a closed question such as, ‘How are you?’ Specific follow up questions can be effective as well, such as ‘Why not better than ‘fine’ or why not worse than ‘fine?’ I love exploratory questions, such as ‘What do you like about today so far?’ and deeper questions such as ‘How did you come to believe that?’ When we want details, we ask focused questions, such as ‘When did you learn that?’ or ‘Where did you hear that?’
 
All of these why, what, how, when, where questions have their place. And all of them when used from a place of kind curiosity can feel good to be on the receiving end of. Being asked questions gives us permission to take up more space in the conversation and to share more. And yet sometimes being on the receiving end of too many questions can feel like being in the hot seat. It can feel intrusive.
 
Playing with curious statements or ‘non-question questions’ can sometimes create a calmer feeling. For example, ‘Tell me something about your day.’ Or ‘I’d love to hear more about that.’ Or ‘Help me understand your thoughts on that.’ These non-question questions are invitations to open up and share more and can be a welcome change from too many questions.

While I am still reading, listening and learning, I am also moving forward with some action steps. My training team for the Introductory Collaborative Practice Training (15 hours) created 4 diversity scholarships. We funded 2 of them and we partnered with Our Family Wizard for the other 2. We had 15 applicants for these scholarships which has inspired us to continue to offer diversity scholarships for future training. With greater diversity in our Collaborative Practice groups we will be better able to serve diverse communities. 

I would like to take this opportunity to recommend I'm Still Here, Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown. It is a powerful important read. I found the chapter on Nice White People particularly enlightening. "Most white people believe that they are good and the true racists are easy to spot."  "When you believe niceness disproves the presence of racism, it's easy to start believing bigotry is rare, and that the label racist should be applied only to mean-spirited, intentional acts of discrimination." After reading this book, I watched Little Fires Everywhere and saw many of these themes played out, particularly the need/desire/hope that being 'nice' will be good enough. 

I will keep reading, watching and learning and I commit to taking more and more pro-active steps.

​I have felt a hesitancy to add my voice to this moment. I have doubted the relevance of what a middle class white woman living in Canada has to say in this moment. I also am the mother of a bi-racial son. And so half of whom I call family are white and half are black.  
 
I heard the early calls in the early hours after George Floyd’s death for white folks to talk less and listen more. And so I have been listening. Silently listening.
 
And then I realized, having just finished teaching a 35 hour course in Collaborative Practice (a consensus building process for families separating and divorcing) that silently listening is not enough.
 
One of the cornerstones of any consensus building process whether it be mediation or collaborative practice, is active listening. Listening is not good enough if the person speaking doesn’t feel heard. And so, when we teach collaborative practice and mediation, we teach active listening. We teach things like looking someone in the eye, leaning in, and nodding in understanding (not necessarily in agreement). We teach full bodied presence and attention that says, ‘you have the floor,’ and ‘I’m all ears.’ We teach basic stuff like turning off our phones, and removing all distractions. We teach the important of time and space for important and difficult conversations and the value of patience. And we teach stuff like mirroring, where we simply say back to the person speaking, ‘What I’ve heard you say is . . .’ and just as importantly, we teach listeners to then check in, ‘Have I got that right?’ And we teach open ended curious questions like, ‘I’m confused about that, can you try again?’ and the all important question, “Is there anything else you would like to tell me?” and “Do you feel like I get you now?” And we teach encouraging statements like, ‘Tell me more.’
 
And so what I have to offer at this moment is a commitment to actively listen, to mirror back what I think I am hearing and to check in whether I have it right, to try again if I get it wrong and to keep listening. In time, my commitment will transition from listening to something more. In this moment, I will listen.

 Co-parenting during the COVID-19 Pandemic may require more connection and discussion between you and your co-parent and it may require to negotiate some temporary agreements for your respective households. These aren't easy times. With some shared love for your children, some grace under pressure and a 'we're all in this together' attitude, you and your co-parent can have each other's backs during this crisis and safely parent your children. 

1. When discussing these issues with your co-parent, consider the following:

• Pick a time to talk that works for both of you and when children are not able to listen in (especially challenging when kids are home all the time these days);
• Before the discussion, get clear on your most important goals and concerns and invite your coparent to prepare for the discussion in the same way;
• Set ground rules for the discussion including options to take a break if emotions are getting high and to reconvene at a specified day and time;
• Don't make assumptions about what is happening in the other household– check in with curious questions;
• Stay curious, humble and open minded;
• Stay open to different ways to address goals and concerns,
• Offer thanks for the willingness to have the discussion even if it was bumpy or didn’t result in a shared commitment and say an even bigger thank you if compromises were made and a shared plan was achieved!
• Settlement professionals are here to help if you need it – engage a parenting mediator, collaborative lawyer or other trusted source to help you and your coparent have these discussions. Teleconferences and video calls are being offered by most settlement professionals. 

2. Best interest of the children (both a principle in most parenting plans and at law) includes:

• keeping children safe,
• keeping yourself safe,
• supporting the safety of the other parent, and 
• facilitating contact and relationship with other parent.
• NOTE: During COVID-19 pandemic, facilitating contact with other parent may require adjustment in each household to respect social distancing and safety issues. Many families are making compromises and sacrifices to close the contact loop in both houses to allow children to continue to benefit from the relationship with each parent.

3. Compliance with municipal, provincial and federal laws is expected. 
4. Compliance with recommendations of authorities is also expected. 
5. You may consider a temporary schedule adjustment that has more extended periods in each household such as is typical during the summer holidays to minimize the back and forth.
6. Contact between children and their parents through phone calls, Facetime, Skype, texts, snapchat, etc should be encouraged where possible.
7. Seven guidelines for parenting during COVID-19 released by AFCC - link below
https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/COVID19Guidelinesfordivorcedparents.FINAL.pdf?ver=2020-03-17-202849-133

By the end of the second collaborative meeting in two separate files this week, the clients had been given an overview of the legal model with respect to property together, (at the same time) by both of their counsel, all of the financial disclosure had been exchanged and reviewed, a draft net family property statement was about 95% completed with only a few ‘to do’s’ such as speaking with an accountant or actuary about a reasonable range of notional disposition costs for the RRSP’s and investments. The clients had also heard, again together, an overview of the legal model with respect to child support, the sharing of children’s expenses and spousal support. We had reviewed several years of income tax returns and had a handle on the income for the payor, one of which included a base salary, commissions, stock options and RSU’s. We had a handle on the income for the recipient, one of whom was self employed and we were able to calmly discuss and agree on what expenses would be added back to her income for support purposes and the other recipient was a beneficiary of a trust and had received a significant inheritance and we were able to map out a reasonable imputation schedule for her income. We ran and reviewed several support calculations showing the impact of moving around the range of reasonable assumptions we were exploring. The clients left meeting #2 with all of the information (legal and financial) to begin considering financial options that might be acceptable.
 
In the meantime, we had also explored the things that mattered most to these two couples, everything from keeping the house, to setting aside some monies to help children with a down payment on a house one day, to honouring a financial responsibility to a sibling with mental health issues, to a desire to retire and shift gears to consulting work, to a goal of quitting smoking and the desire to have a portion of their budget for ‘wellness’ to help them quit, to co-parenting goals including safety planning in the event of an addiction relapse, and to cultivating a co-parenting relationship that would allow for shared family meals for special occasions.
 
Two meetings, held within 4 weeks of each other, each less than three hours, with agendas distributed ahead of time and progress notes distributed within a day or two after. Clients are informed, supported and ready to begin problem solving and developing options in earnest. 
 
Just a little window into what actually happens in collaborative practice.

Collaborative Practice keeps it personal by providing a supportive environment for ‘face to face’ discussions between you and your spouse rather than ‘back and forth’ negotiations and letters between the lawyers. This keeps conflict and misunderstandings to a minimum. Settlements reached in Collaborative Practice are often more creative and tailor-made than those achieved in other dispute resolution processes. The settlements reached help you and your spouse have your most important needs and goals met. Collaborative Practice provides the support and guidance needed to help you resolve the issues arising from your separation and allow you to move on with your life.

Collaborative Practice is a process designed to manage and reduce conflict between parents so that the children are not caught in the middle. Jointly retained Family Professionals are often involved to ensure Parenting Plans are child focused and suited to the needs and personalities of your children. The Family Professionals coach couples on how to talk to their children about the divorce. The Family Professionals or Child Specialists can also meet with children to make sure they are doing 'ok' and can help them have a voice. 

In Collaborative Practice you and your spouse will share all relevant financial information. The decisions you make will be based on full information. Jointly retained neutral financial planners often form part of the Collaborative Team. They can gather and present the financial information and they can provide projections to test the long term consequences of various settlement options. Jointly retained accountants and valuators can also from part of the team, when there are business assets, complex income determinations or tax planning opportunities or challenges.